1. love at first sight. good, bad, good.

    i opened my eyes and i saw you, i had seen you around before but never like this, eye contact, i must have forgotten to look down. it doesn’t matter it was love at first sight. and, survival mode kicked in faster than i could have ever hoped. you see, beauty… it scares me. its a light that shines bright, bright enough to bring out every one of my shortcomings. And that my friend is scary. so there i stood, palms sweating, heart racing, those eyes, your eyes, even from across the room seemed like they were just mere inches away. it was quite terrifying, i began to remember all the reasons why someone like you could never be with a guy like me or if by some crazy miracle it actually happened… all the reasons it couldn’t work out, the thoughts coursed through my head one after another in perfect order like a train on a track making stops at the most vulnerable parts of who i am. they went something like this… i have the tendency to be clingy, also selfish… but who isn’t?, i don’t like to admit it but i get jealous, if things go well for too long i may become obsessed, when i care about you its hard for me to not be “somewhat” protective, i get attached quick, that tends to scare everyone off. and even though the freak-out express is wreaking havoc in my mind something about your eyes begs me to hope. they dare me to ask THE question, the thought rises in the back of my head, i’ve heard it before, its the question i fear to ask because what follows is almost always heartbreak and let down. “can you handle my issues?” i never ask the question but your eyes seem to broadcast the answer, “just try me” they invite. All i can remember is that i spoke, i don’t even remember what i said, all i know is that i was scared.

    Well its been quite some time now, since the first time i saw those eyes. They’re still beautiful. and to my continuing astonishment you seem to be handling me with grace and finesse. i don’t get it… the laws of the universe set us against each other and yet here we are… it doesn’t make sense to me. I am considerate to a fault, says my mother. its true. and here late at night i consider you. the train makes another lap, my jaws usually keeping it trapped inside. but tonight, they’re just too tired. Can you handle my Issues?……. THE question escapes, i regret asking it the second it comes out, but what was done has been done and i need an escape, but part of me would very much like to know the answer. You creep me out sometimes. its like you know exactly what goes through my head, you just grin, and then your mouth opens and my greatest fears are realized. You start “Shea, you’re clingy, selfish, jealous, obsessed, overprotective, attached, and even intrusive!” i admit at this point my heart is faltering, i’m torn up. i knew this was going to happen. i try and fumble for some sort of apology. you stop me and begin to explain yourself “Clingy, i can’t find a minute of the day that you aren’t calling me. Selfish, I can’t share myself with anyone but you. When someone else gets more time in with me then you i can tell you get Jealous, i know you crave that time. Obsessed, you don’t know it but i see every time check me out and think i don’t see you doing it. Overprotective, when you plan for me time nothing can keep you from it. Attached, will you ever leave my side? and finally Intrusive, if i’m doing something you always want a part in it” i don’t even know what to say that didn’t really help at all and then the most strange and unexpected thing comes from those lips of yours, “and those are just a few of the reasons I love you so much.” I’m blown away, i don’t get it, those are all bad things… right?! You only say “I never worry about you not wanting me.” That shocked me. i had never thought of it like that. but i suppose being God and all you do kinda know everything. seeing things from different perspectives is just a perk of the job! anyway this is just me writing to say i hope you remember that day, we first met eyes, yours captured mine and i haven’t been free since, i think the term is “love-slave”? i just wanted to say… you have my eyes, heart, ears, for all it matters my whole life. i know i know i sound ridiculous, but is it that ridiculous, i mean, you can handle me. i want you to know i love you.

  2. in awe. no i don’t mean gnaw.

    God is one crazy mamajamma! if thats even a word. all i know is that there is peace. and i don’t know why, its not usually something that rests on quitting school. yes thats right i’m dropping out of college… its the weirdest feeling. I’m not entirely sure of why He’s asked this of me but i can’t not follow Him. i mean i admit it… i love the dude. He’s the only one can make me happy on my very worst of days. He is just too cool. Just think of Him, He transcends time and space, money, thought, will, gravity, time. haha thats the one that blows me away the most. The dude is too freakin’ holy! so i’m not gonna not follow Him when He asks me to quit school. He knows best, nah He knows all. I’m in awe.

  3. its all new under the sun.

    lately i’ve been having these strange emotions. i need to try new things. i need to do all those things i said i was going to do and stilllll haven’t done. so i gauged my ears. i’m growing out my hair and beard. several weeks ago i ate honeydo mellon and cantelope for the first time ever(i like honeydo not so much cantelope, though its not terrible). i normally hate seafood. tonight i ate shrimp and clams! shrimp was good, clams tasted like the beach which was odd but i liked it. i drink coffee, something i previously detested. i am trying things. its a whole world of new. anything i’ve previously disliked is being added to a pile of things i have to retry. i don’t like not liking things. i don’t like not doing things i say i’m going to. its all new under the sun for me. its a new time for a new shea. on that subject, i know several of you friends of mine out there have been mad at me for not spending time with you, my response to you is a simple one, 1 i don’t care that you’re angry 2 you’ve been trying about as hard as i have 3 if you don’t ever see me, its because you don’t ever ask to, the people i spend my time with do. its that simple. i have found recently that my peer group is significantly smaller than i had thought it was and is comprised of people i didn’t even realize. you see i’ve decided that i only want to be where i am wanted, those that don’t want you around will not bother contacting you. those that do will. its revealing in the most strange and gratifying sort of way. to know you are someplace you are genuinely desired to be, its a radical thought. i’m making it a reality in my own life. you should try it.

  4. Conditioning

    This weekend i spent a lot of time in chattanooga. i was there at the walking bridge the other night sitting on one of the benches chilling out when a young boy took a doggy bag from the dispenser and his mother told him to put it back he responded with what seemed like a pretty good excuse but the mother didn’t buy it and she gave him fair warning that by the count of 3 he had better put it back. she began to count 1…2…3… and the boy returned the bag to its home. then the nice family walked off leaving me sitting there with an incredibly interesting idea… it goes like this. a large majority of people hate or dislike math the reason being that we were psychologically conditioned as children to associate numbers with punishment. those that actually like numbers and math simply weren’t subjected to the terror of the countdown or they adapted in way most don’t maybe had an excellent math teacher as a role model or some other rare happening. suddenly my disgust of numbers makes sense. epiphany. 

  5. Hagios

    God, the Triune God,

    The Almighty, Glory to Your Name,

    In Your presence change is inevitable,

    You blow my mind.

    You were fully God yet fully Man,

    You died and yet are Alive,

    Your blood was shed,

    A torrent of bright crimson,

    Death has no sting, Glory to Your Name.

    Your blood is like fire coursing through my veins,

    The heat compels me to thirst,

    Its flame can be sated only by You,

    Its originator, the reason my heart burns,

    I thirst to be made more thirsty,

    God, Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent,

    Multifaceted, I want to know You,

    You that is,

    Holy,

    Yes, the only word that can describe,

    God, the Triune God,

    You are Holy.

    You are Hagios.

  6. Things Aren’t Peachy. Where’s all the fruit?

    “You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes, because that’s where the FRUIT is” - Will Rogers

    i need to be honest with you, with me… i need to say that i am tired, just tired, maybe even a bit frustrated. not tired physically, but spiritually. I’m tired of being normal, of being a good person, moral and nice and polite but most of all, christian. I’m tired of accepting life as it comes. You see, for many weeks now i have been haunted by untold legions of thoughts and questions. Questions like “this is life?” and “this is why i was created?” I frequently wonder “this is what life is all about?” I am constantly tormented by the thought, “there has got to be more than this!” This single thought has plagued my mind like a blister on the heel of a traveler that refuses to heal. I have lived everyday like any other human being on the earth, totally oblivious of the pain the world is in, or at least until recently. My eyes, it seems, have been opened to a world hurting and crying out for help, this new sight i have received has been a welcome discomfort, it has led me to the place i am now, asking the questions i am now but it has also caused ALL of the spiritual frustration i am enduring now. There is within me a desire, quiet like the faintest whisper and yet remarkably stronger than the most fierce of storms. From time to time, my eyes will land upon a plight of my fellow man, be it something unsettling, like a starving man with no roof over his head or something much more familiar to our sight, like someone in a wheel chair. When this happens, the whisper echos in the corridors of my heart, quite easily frustrating me, i’ve tried quieting it, calming it, and all together smothering it out, but it is more than persistent, its like it is apart of me. It is a desire for change. At first the realization of all that isn’t as it should be was discouraging to say the least, i took questions like “how could this ever change?” to my prayer times, slowly realizing that instead of seeing that everything isn’t as it should be as a bad thing i should take comfort in it, because it is a resounding reply that there is more, there is different. there is more. God is more. Recently i have been searching out what the chief end of christians is. Is it what i have grown up seeing, if it is then i have to naught to strive for but morality. Which is confusing to me because in the eyes of the world morality does not separate me from the world i am as they are and i do not want to be a christian. But if it isn’t morality what is it? I have come to believe that it is to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to this Earth. If what i believe is true then Holiness is what i must strive for, change is imminent and i want to be a christian more than anything i have ever wanted. For many years now i have asked God to let me see his Glory, and i am sure i have known a piece. It, no… He is more than addicting, i want more, i need more, i am not the same man. In fact almost everything about me is different, and i am struggling to reconcile my old life with this new man. Nothing can remain the same when it comes in contact with my God. And in this lies my affliction. I have been a christian all my life, singing the lyrics “my God is greater” loudly and boldly, but i have had to ask myself if i really believed what i have been singing, and if i do then why don’t i act on it. Why don’t i bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth? Why is there not change? I have the Spirit of God living within me, why do i not act from within His power and lift people out of their wheel chairs and command their feet to walk? Honestly, this question scares me. I wonder, can i? is it really possible? what if God doesn’t heal them? and then i remember to ask myself, Do i really believe God is Greater? and i most certainly do. Does this mean i will be walking around raising the dead? Ha I wish I still have much growth to do, but i can say that i have never been more confident in God than i am this moment of my life. I yearn to wreak the justice of Heaven on the sickness that inflicts my brothers and sisters i ache to see people who could never jump in worship to God dance in his presence. You may call me “radical” but i consider myself one of the few that are still normal. I refuse to justify the fact that i have never healed a man with the lie that i don’t have that spiritual gift and that it is only for the few. I am a believer in Jesus who says that i will do great things, I am filled with the Holy Spirit of God its about time i began to bear real, lasting fruit. Fruit that can only give Glory to God, not to moral living, not to me, not to any denomination, All Glory to God. Its time to live my life in complete surrender so that God may use me in whatever manner he sees fit. And so my prayer is that God would give me boldness, strengthen my faith, and help me in my unbelief. 

    “Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

  7. “i’m a happy man.”
    Me
  8. its a curious thing…

    giving up. 
    surrender.
    yield.
    concede.
    relent. 

    I’ve been up and down and all around lately. 
    it’s a long story, one i may be inclined to tell. 

    don’t you love those mornings when you’re stressed out beyond belief, the success of the entire week is hinged upon today, you wake up late and so will consequently be late for work, and to top it all off you just cant seem to find your keys? [that’s sarcasm if you cant tell] 

    i hate them. Yet i find myself loving the transient moment that comes fleetingly after.

    you find yourself searching every nook and cranny for those lost keys, turning over couches, flipping mattresses, opening cupboards you haven’t used in ages, checking the tupperware in the fridge, you’ve officially looked where most never even imagine to look, and this whole time your blood is slowly rising to its boiling point with every failed search attempt. You’re at your breaking point, finally, you collapse hard with a sigh onto the now cushion-less sofa. 

    You’ve given up.

    then something glorious happens. You take your face out of your hands, look up, open your eyes, and sitting there alone shining for all the world to see, are your keys right where you left them, in the key bowl you never use. And the thought occurs to you, why didn’t i look there? its obviously the most blatant place to search. You feel stupid, then life hits you again you’re late for work and you go about your day as usual.

    What happens there, in that moment, when you completely give up? it’s a curious thing.

    This moment, holds such a ridiculously awesome message for us all. It speaks of our complete and utter failure, our incompetence, our inability to “make it happen.” It’s rather simple and yet shockingly profound, this lesson I’ve learned this semester. It has really deeply impacted the way i approach life. I just can’t do it. 

    Say it with me “I just can’t do it”. It’s kinda liberating is it not. I bet you’re thinking it’s a little depressing, it sorta is but there is an up side to this, i promise. You see, you can’t just drop everything, there’s gotta be someone there to pick it up again. if there’s not, surrender then turns from relief to failure. 

    Thats why i love Jesus soo much. He tells us not to make life but to live it. We cannot provide life for ourselves. We just can’t. We’ve got to rely on Him. He is the source of Life, he even says that. Why don’t we hear it?! 

    He is saying and has been saying just to give up, surrender, yield, concede, relent, stop trying to make it happen for yourself. 

    SO here’s what he’s saying:
    Do what you know to do, leave the rest to me, don’t try to be the Hero, that’s my Job, just do what you know to do, and leave the rest to me. I wont let you down.

    Life is Futile without Christ. Don’t even try to make it happen.

    PostScript. I haven’t posted in a while, so this is a personal update. I finally have a girlfriend!!! first time in 4 years! She’s incredible and loves Christ with all she is. NOW you’ve been officially updated, Tumblr.

  9. The 2nd Deep Mistrust.

    Dear Christians,

    I’m getting tired of you!!! Shut your faces. Thanks

    Love, Shea

    I’d like to have one class in which i am not being bombarded with subtle innuendos of my professors own political views. I’d like to log onto facebook just once and not see 5 different status’s about how Obama sucks butt and this is the “end times”! 

You may or may not agree with this, i just dont care anymore, but my own political stance, just so everyone knows is simply this:
SUPPORTIVE DESPITE.

    Christians, you’re far too Political. All this over involvement says one thing to me about the church, we have a deep mistrust in God. 

    Everything happens for a reason, or God is liar. God wanted Obama in office, or the Bible cant be trusted (Daniel 2:21). Does not God work out all things for our good? 

    This new government decree will inevitably suck, yes, i agree with you. however we as christians have taken a ridiculously political position in our governments. we cannot enforce Gods law, it must be followed from the heart and not due to law. we must not keep young women from having abortions because we know its wrong, we must help those same young women with love and support feel good about raising each and every child. Would abortions really even be necessary if the world knew that Gods people were actually doing what they’re called to do and representing Christ? Law and Procedure, isnt the answer to any of your Pharisaical prayers! Politics isnt being the Church!!! dont you realize God NEVER intended his people to be political? It was the peoples wish to have a King, one desperate attempt for control, and what i would consider the second Great Mistrust of Gods Heart. I’ll be glad to tell you of the first its just a long story. 

    We have taken our Bible and adapted it to an Overly political world. We’ve taken 1 Timothy 2:1-4 which says to “pray for our leaders” and adapted it into “Decide Everything Your Leader Does For Them.” Or “Rule Your Leader.”

    Politics, especially in this wonderful Democracy we live in, is all about the support of the People. I dont know about you guys but im pretty sure Christians make up a HUGE people group, needed to win an election…? Here my dear friends is another place we mistrust the intentions of Gods Heart!!! 

    God uses even our leaders to work out his will. In Isaiah 45:1-6, Cyrus is prophesied to come and bless God’s people. The fulfillment of that was in Ezra 1 where God moved the heart of Cyrus the King of Persia to allow the Jews to return to Jerusalem. God uses government leaders, even those who are not believers, to accomplish His will. God must use nonbelieving leaders to do his will, why? because his people arent. God says i will make even the rocks cry out. We as Gods people havent laid down our lives to the point to allow God to use us in anything he wants to accomplish, no matter how dirty.

    Lets examine this new Law. It gives help to the helpless, provides for the poor, and contributes to the healing of the sick. Though its going to cost us a fortune. Does that not sound like what the church was supposed to be doing? Wake up people God is having to use crooked politicians to fulfill his will because we wont!!! Also, ive heard alot of squabble about this “double standard” where the higher ups are exempt to the plan, my stance on that is “judge lest not you be judged” 

    My hope and prayer for us is that we will restore the trust in Gods Heart. Relinquish our need to control. And begin to do our jobs, what we’ve been called to do and represent the loving God of Mercy to the sick and the poor so that Mr. Obama and all his cohorts can get on with the business of leading the country. Stop bickering over the petty differences between the letter D and R and Lift up our Leaders in Prayer. they need it. 

    Listen to the prayer of the man after God’s own heart when his world was coming down around him. Hear the trust in his words.

    "The LORD is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer; My God is my Rock, in whom i take Refuge. He is my Shield, and the horn of my Salvation, my STRONGHOLD!" Psalms 18:2

    he keeps repeating “the lord is my rock” not “the revision of law is my rock.” THE LORD is his rock he knows that despite what is happening in the world around him, because he is the Lords he will be safe from harm. 

    We need Davids trust. 

    Supportive Despite

  10. Invention of Another Kind

    On with the Chivalry
    Today i had an amazing thought. riding along in charlotte it hit me, an invention that provides a way to ensure acts of chivalry in the most annoying way possible.

    Men, we all know that it can be down right impossible to open the car door for your women every time, theyre just so darn impatient and independent. And whats even more confusing is trying to find a way to move at the speed of light and open all 4 doors when a lot of girls are riding in your car. well here is the solution we have all been waiting for. 
    Disclaimer: may cause angry women.

    Parents around the world have discovered the joys and safeties of child safety locks, and we have found a new way to let you experience the joys and safeties of never having to worry about if you will make it around the side of the car in time to be chivalrous. Now introducing Chivalry Locks! the foolproof way to ensure chivalry in a modern era.

    Get yours today :)

  11. Machine Appreiciation

    Every time I buy something from a vending machine, I say “thank you.” I try not to do it too loud, just in case people will think I’m insane. It’s just an automatic reaction; the machine serves me, it deserves a thank you.

  12. “Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things - with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope.”
    Corazon Aquino
  13. Love.

    Love is patient and kind.
    Love is not easily angered. Love bears with another. Through trials, love is calm and uplifting.
    Love does not envy or boast.
    Love is not used for rank, popularity, or to fit into the world. Love is not a possession. Love is being humble and putting another before itself.
    It is not arrogant or rude.
    Love humbles itself. Love is not crude. Love is a softened heart, which puts the emotional wellbeing of others ahead of itself.
    It does not insist on its own way.
    Love is not stubborn and hard headed. Love makes compromises and is flexible to proper change.
    It is not irritable or resentful.
    Anger is not love. Love breaks down the walls of the past and starts each day anew All actions based in love will not be regretted. Love keeps no record of wrongdoing and fully forgives.
    It does not rejoice at wrongdoing.
    Love does not accept sin. Love bears together and turns against the sin.
    But rejoices in the truth.
    Love is honest, even when it may hurt. When everything is brought into the light, in truth, iniquity can be forgiven, and life can go on.
    Love bears all things.
    Through thick and thin, sickness and in health, truly until death do they part. Love bears all happiness, joy, sorrow, and pain.
    Believes all things.
    Love has faith in God and in another. Love believes that through everything, the good and the bad, it will all work out in the end for His glory.
    Hopes all things.
    Love has hope for the future, hope that things and people can change. Love looks past current trials and tribulation, to the future and the plan God has put in motion.
    Endures all things.
    Sickness and in health, good times and bad, joy and sorrow, love prevails and continues.

    "Love is a curious thing, understanding it will forever allude me, and so i resolve myself just to love, and not to understand why." - Best Movie Ever.

  14. “Stars looking at our planet, watching entropy and pain and maybe startin’ to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane. I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout the meaning of resistance of a world beyond our own and suddenly the infinite and penitent began to look like home.”
    Jon Foreman